Let the Past...Be the Past

"Don't let the sadness of your past and the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present." For any of you out there taking the time to read what I write, you should know that I have unforgettable past, and I have a very hard time trying to forget it. It seems that my past stays with me everywhere I go, because no matter what I do...it comes back. I always feel like I'm running from my past, full speed ahead, but can never seem to finish the race first. Anytime I am happy, contempt, or even slightly satisfied...its right behind me. You may be wondering what was so bad in my past that everyday I try to hold it back for just a little bit...well, I'm not gonna tell you for two reasons. One...I don't want to relive the horrible times. Two...I don't want to risk depressing any readers. In short, I was bullied. You're probably thinking that...oh. It's not a big deal, because everyone was bullied, but I was bullied by even some of the people I thought were there for me. I was the butt of a lot of jokes and it was awful. But not all things are bad...I met the most amazing person ever...my best friend and she's been where I've been and understands. That's why we are so close. But bottom line...my past is just simply that...the past. And I hope it will just stay like that for the sake of my sanity.

Without You

I wrote this poem about a year ago and never really appreciated it. I guess I never really think my work is good until I look back at it and go...Wow! Maybe these words will mean something else to someone else. But don't get the idea that I'm an enraged ex. This person was merely a fantasy, but its true. Every feeling in it holds truth in it. And it's not supposed to rhyme. Please leave a comment if you like it.
I wish I could tell you that you meant nothing to me.

And assure you I was already broken before I met you.

That I never expected you to love me.

And if you have to move on I understand.

                        BUT…

I have to be honest with you.

I’ve never loved someone so much.

And everyday I cry when I remember.

That it was all over before I could say how I felt.

Who Am I Without Dance?

"Should I stay or should I go?" Have you ever heard the saying...if you love something so much, let it go? I know this quote is normally used when talking about a person, but in my life, besides my family, my biggest love is and always will be dance. I love the way you can graze across a stage, making majestic movements and creating a story. I love the feeling you get when you're about to go on stage. You hear the clapping of the audience on the other side, and it just gives you a shot of adrenaline. It's the best feeling in the world. I love the feeling you get when your dance is over, and you're smiling, letting all your hardwork lay out on the table, knowing somebody, somewhere will be cheering your name. For the longest time, these feelings are what truly keep me going. They fuel who I am today. They help me to escape into a new world when I need time to myself. Anytime I feel pressure, stress, sadness, hurt, or anything...I dance. I am a dancer and will always be. But lately, I feel that dance is becoming more of a stressor than a stress-reliever. But only the classes. In the classes, they expect perfect, and when you need a little extra help...you're the girl that didn't get it the first time. That feeling is awful. I mean...tonight, for the first time, I had a complete breakdown about my dancing. I had asked my teacher for extra help on a step, and she kept telling me that I should've paid attention when she demonstrated...which I did...and I felt awful. I felt like she thought I was stupid and not trying at all. So, I caught up with her after class, and she had to stop the tears from pouring down. She told me she was proud. And that made all the difference; however, it seems like I am not getting better, and I'm not at the same level as the other girls my age...and that's not a good thing. Dance is becoming something that doesn't make me feel better, but keeps me the same. And I don't know what to. I am considering dropping classes after the winter recital, but who am I without dance? Maybe someone out there knows...but I personally don't.

My Heart Knows the Way

"'What' and ‘if’ two words as nonthreatening as words come. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: ‘What if?'..." These are words of Amanda Seyfried, in Letters to Juliet. Yes, someone great did write them, but they hold so much truth to all the world. We go through life everyday wondering "what if..." and deciding whether or not we made the right choice. Do you ever really know what the right choice is? A lot of people make decisions based on what their brain says, and those are the people that are practical. Those are also the people that I truly believe have the biggest regrets of all. I choose to live according to my heart. Yes, I have made mistakes, and yes I ask myself "what if..." more than I want to, and yes I have regrets. But looking at my past, I truly feel every mistake I made, every regret I had, and every "what if..." that crossed my mind has only been for the better. I am a better person because of it, and my life has changed because of it. But I often wonder if I ever truly make the right decision. But I guess I'll never know. My heart leads the way, and I am definitely prepared to follow it. Maybe it will lead me through the hardships of life, maybe it will lead me through a life-time decision...but for now...it will lead me through everyday decisions, that will have the biggest effect on my life. But I will follow it. No matter what.