Let the Past...Be the Past

"Don't let the sadness of your past and the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present." For any of you out there taking the time to read what I write, you should know that I have unforgettable past, and I have a very hard time trying to forget it. It seems that my past stays with me everywhere I go, because no matter what I do...it comes back. I always feel like I'm running from my past, full speed ahead, but can never seem to finish the race first. Anytime I am happy, contempt, or even slightly satisfied...its right behind me. You may be wondering what was so bad in my past that everyday I try to hold it back for just a little bit...well, I'm not gonna tell you for two reasons. One...I don't want to relive the horrible times. Two...I don't want to risk depressing any readers. In short, I was bullied. You're probably thinking that...oh. It's not a big deal, because everyone was bullied, but I was bullied by even some of the people I thought were there for me. I was the butt of a lot of jokes and it was awful. But not all things are bad...I met the most amazing person ever...my best friend and she's been where I've been and understands. That's why we are so close. But bottom line...my past is just simply that...the past. And I hope it will just stay like that for the sake of my sanity.

Without You

I wrote this poem about a year ago and never really appreciated it. I guess I never really think my work is good until I look back at it and go...Wow! Maybe these words will mean something else to someone else. But don't get the idea that I'm an enraged ex. This person was merely a fantasy, but its true. Every feeling in it holds truth in it. And it's not supposed to rhyme. Please leave a comment if you like it.
I wish I could tell you that you meant nothing to me.

And assure you I was already broken before I met you.

That I never expected you to love me.

And if you have to move on I understand.

                        BUT…

I have to be honest with you.

I’ve never loved someone so much.

And everyday I cry when I remember.

That it was all over before I could say how I felt.

Who Am I Without Dance?

"Should I stay or should I go?" Have you ever heard the saying...if you love something so much, let it go? I know this quote is normally used when talking about a person, but in my life, besides my family, my biggest love is and always will be dance. I love the way you can graze across a stage, making majestic movements and creating a story. I love the feeling you get when you're about to go on stage. You hear the clapping of the audience on the other side, and it just gives you a shot of adrenaline. It's the best feeling in the world. I love the feeling you get when your dance is over, and you're smiling, letting all your hardwork lay out on the table, knowing somebody, somewhere will be cheering your name. For the longest time, these feelings are what truly keep me going. They fuel who I am today. They help me to escape into a new world when I need time to myself. Anytime I feel pressure, stress, sadness, hurt, or anything...I dance. I am a dancer and will always be. But lately, I feel that dance is becoming more of a stressor than a stress-reliever. But only the classes. In the classes, they expect perfect, and when you need a little extra help...you're the girl that didn't get it the first time. That feeling is awful. I mean...tonight, for the first time, I had a complete breakdown about my dancing. I had asked my teacher for extra help on a step, and she kept telling me that I should've paid attention when she demonstrated...which I did...and I felt awful. I felt like she thought I was stupid and not trying at all. So, I caught up with her after class, and she had to stop the tears from pouring down. She told me she was proud. And that made all the difference; however, it seems like I am not getting better, and I'm not at the same level as the other girls my age...and that's not a good thing. Dance is becoming something that doesn't make me feel better, but keeps me the same. And I don't know what to. I am considering dropping classes after the winter recital, but who am I without dance? Maybe someone out there knows...but I personally don't.

My Heart Knows the Way

"'What' and ‘if’ two words as nonthreatening as words come. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: ‘What if?'..." These are words of Amanda Seyfried, in Letters to Juliet. Yes, someone great did write them, but they hold so much truth to all the world. We go through life everyday wondering "what if..." and deciding whether or not we made the right choice. Do you ever really know what the right choice is? A lot of people make decisions based on what their brain says, and those are the people that are practical. Those are also the people that I truly believe have the biggest regrets of all. I choose to live according to my heart. Yes, I have made mistakes, and yes I ask myself "what if..." more than I want to, and yes I have regrets. But looking at my past, I truly feel every mistake I made, every regret I had, and every "what if..." that crossed my mind has only been for the better. I am a better person because of it, and my life has changed because of it. But I often wonder if I ever truly make the right decision. But I guess I'll never know. My heart leads the way, and I am definitely prepared to follow it. Maybe it will lead me through the hardships of life, maybe it will lead me through a life-time decision...but for now...it will lead me through everyday decisions, that will have the biggest effect on my life. But I will follow it. No matter what.

Forbidden...Always the Best Kind of Love

This is something that I've kept quiet about for a long time. A story idea I had; however, I guess I thought it was too much like Twilight.    


           I just stood there, all frozen up just like a statue as he inched closer step by step. I adjusted my eyes on the floor, avoiding his puppy dog stare that melted me in an instant. I could hear his breath reach out to me, and I contemplated looking up at him, but if I tried it, I knew I'd be hooked into his eyes and I'd be lost in swirls of milky blue satin.

            His arms slowly made their way to my hips, locking my silhouette against him. His cool hands tilted my chin towards him, and I tried to keep my eyes glued to the sight of the gravel-like cement floor.

            After two minutes of peace, his words broke through the barrier of silence.

            "Why do you avoid me?" His words stung.

            "I didn't avoid you. I needed time to think things through." I let out quickly.

            "Think what through exactly?" I quickly glanced at his eyes.

            "You and I, it just doesn't make sense. You are not human and you could kill me at any second."

            "You know I can't hurt you."

            "You can, you may not want to, but it has been controlling you for over four hundred years. You can't stop it. The Need is too great, and eventually, it will overpower you."

            I started to tug away from him, moving as quickly as possible, preparing to run away, as he pulled me closer to him and smiled. Immediately, those eyes pierced into my soul and he held me up, for I was floating on a cotton cloud.

            After about ten minutes of just getting lost in his eyes, I came back to reality. Placing my feet back on the ground, his arms pulled me in even closer to where I could smell the cinnamon in his mouth. My lips tingled.

            “How can you say you will never kill me?” I inquired. “What proof do you have?”

            He looked up as if considering something before placing his eyes back on me. “I don’t have any proof…except for the love in my heart.” He kept a serious gaze.

            “Do people like you even have a heart? Not to be rude, but do you?” I babbled.

            “You tell me.” He placed my hand on his heart, and I listened to the fast beat pumping. He tilted my chin back up once more, and I melted. His lips grazed the top of my forehead and planted a kiss there. Next, he kissed my cheek. And then all at once I was floating. He kissed my lips sincerely, and I knew with certainty that this was love.

Here Goes Nothing

"I guess I'm ready now to start. I'm gonna start all over." Well it's time. School begins tomorrow and I am super psyched with a little bit of nervousness. I don't really know a lot of kids in my classes, I am not sure where the child developement class room is at, and my locker is at the end of the abyss. Ha figuratively speaking. I have all the supplies I should need, got new clothes, printed out a schedule, and even prepared myself mentally. I am just not to thrilled to be the new girl all over again at this school. Yes I do know some people...but not nearly enough. But I guess it starts all over again. And for any readers that like my blog...I'm gonna post a short story on here later today...so stay tuned in!

Another Blow Strikes Hard

"For everything you have missed, you have gained something else; And for everything you gain, you lose something else." My life doesn't seem to know the meaning of happiness. Just last night I found out that my special person got out of the hospital for the second time this month. And I feel like that absolute worst person in the universe for not being able to be there for them. I wasn't there either times. I know it's the feeling of helplessness...but honestly I never knew that I could feel so bad. It's like getting punched over and over again until you're knocked out and gasping for air. Everytime I think about it...I feel my heart slowly cracking. I wish I didn't feel this way. I do care about this person...and that's the problem. I wish I didn't care, but the thing is...even if I didn't have feelings for this person...he's still a good friend and I would still be hit repeatedly by the blow of helplessness. It's something I cannot escape from. And it's tearing me apart. I just need to go back to dance and school and get my mind off things. I just wish I could talk to someone who understands....