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-Anonymous

I'd like to say I wrote this, because it is true in every way about me. Unfortunately, it is not mine.

Shhhhh...........

We all have secrets...Ever have the feeling that something you say or do is lurking behind you, just waiting to bite you in ass. Literally? Well secrets have that effect on me. Sure, you could probably say that it isn’t healthy to keep secrets, but you could also argue that everyone has secrets. Whether you like it or not, it’s true. And I would say I have a normal amount of secrets, but sometimes I feel like I have too many. Keeping them from the people I love can be really hard, and at times, I find myself contemplating telling them…but at the same time, my secrets are secrets for a reason. If I told someone everything about me, I would be vulnerable…and I will never let myself be like that again. Some may say I am over-guarded, but without my defense system, I wouldn't be as strong as I am. Anyway, secrets are pretty simple.


Say them once
Everyone knows
Certain things
Repeat themselves
Everyone knows
Tell at your own risk
Spread, spread away.

Giving Up

Name Meaning

I recently had to look up what my name means in life for an English project. These are some results. I feel like they really fit me!


Your name makes you very idealistic and generous, with the strong desire to uplift humanity leading you into situations where you can express your desire to serve others.
 
You want to assume responsibilities and to look after people; however, you can become too involved in other people's problems and tend to worry.
 
Your name gives you a natural desire to express along artistic and musical lines.
 
You desire a settled home and family life, and are expressive and attentive to your loved ones.



Although your name creates the urge to be reliable and responsible, we emphasize that it causes an emotional intensity that is hard to control.
 
This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the nervous system, worry, and mental tension.

This Is Me

Here's the lyrics to the song, This is Me. It's from Camp Rock, and a little childish, but it's totally true. It completly describes me, and who I'm gonna be.

I've always been the kind of girl
That hid my face
So afraid to tell the world
What I've got to say
But I have this dream
Right inside of me
I'm gonna let it show, it's time
To let you know
To let you know

This is real, this is me
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, now
Gonna let the light, shine on me
Now I've found, who I am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I want to be
This is me

Do you know what it's like
To feel so in the dark
To dream about a life
Where you're the shining star
Even though it seems
Like it's too far away
I have to believe in myself
It's the only way

This is real, This is me
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, now
Gonna let the light, shine on me
Now I've found, who I am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I want to be
This is me.

Just the Way You Are

"When you smile...The whole world stops and stares for a while...Cuz' girl, you're amazing...Just the way you are." The theme of the day is self-acceptance. Today, my mom and I stopped by the book store looking for something to occupy us for a while, and what I didn't expect was her picking up a self-help book. I have no problem with them, but they just didn't seem like something my mom would read. It's called Seriously...I'm Kidding by Ellen Degeneres, and it is amazing. I'm already halfway through it, and I can't put it down. It really taught me something (I know, hard to believe). Ever since I was twelve, and maybe a smidge before that, I've struggled with who I am. I never really accepted myself. Anytime someone would tell me I'm pretty, smart, or even amazing, I never believed them. The school I went to was a major benefactor to it. I didn't feel accepted. It felt like, when I wasn't looking, people were making fun of who I was and the way I looked. Guys were my biggest offenders. And while I know that I shouldn't care, I did. I couldn't help it. No matter how I tried to avoid it, I couldn't. My imagination scrolled through all the possibilities they could be thinking...'Wow, what a big butt,' kept reoccuring. I'm not saying that I'm not still that way. I am. But I want to change. I want to be proud of who I am. I am beautiful, smart, funny, and perfect the way I am. People may have been telling me that for years, but I finally believe it. I'm exactly who I'm supposed to be. To quote Ellen, "To me, beauty is about being comfortable in your own skin."

What Could They Possibly Mean?

Dream's are today's answers to tomorrow's questions. Well this entry was started a few weeks ago, but Christmas sort of interupted it. For any of you who don't know, I have a typical story. My neighbor and I were childhood friends and at that point, he was everything to me. I mean, I've known him since I was two. I couldn't imagine a day without him. I guess you could say he was my rock. And in sixth grade we hit a bump. I don't know what it was but we just never hung out again. And everyday I missed him in my life, because he was really important to me. Then, he went on the become this popular jock who has the cheerleader girlfriend. He's a football player, lacrosse player, and a straight A student. I guess you could say he has it all. And I turned into a nerd I guess you could say. I'm the kind of person who likes to sit in the back and likes to creep into my fantasy world (I like to write fanatsy). It's who I am. I'm a dancer, a big dorkus, and a good student. I like to have a close knit group of friends I know I can rely on, instead of a bunch of people that I don't know if they'd turn on me. So, we've grown in seperate paths. But lately, I've been having strange dreams. Again, my dreams are never of lollipops or pop stars. They usually mean something. The past few weeks, I've been having dreams about him dying. It always ends the same, either he dies in my arms, or I die in his. This also ends in the three words I fear the most in life...I LOVE YOU...and either one of us says it in these dreams. Maybe it means that it will be too late when I realize how I truly feel about him. Or maybe it means that he's always been there for me, and I'm just too naive to notice it. Or maybe it's nothing. I don't know. I do realize that I love him, and I know I'll never be brave enough to rekindle the friendship, but maybe one day I'll find the courage to face all my fears. When that day comes, he will be my first order of business. I love him in a friendship way, and I always will. Out of all the mistakes I've made in my life, and I've had my fill of mistakes, he is my biggest regret. If I had the chance to go back, I'd never of let him go.

Christmas Scavenger

*Basically I wrote this a few months ago. I hope people think it's good.*           

            The halls were barren, void of people, and void of sound. The scent of pine wafted through the air, arousing my senses, and making memories of Christmas past appear one by one.

All the lockers stood tall, some adorned with red and green ribbon, and others decorated with candy cane art, a school-wide tradition. The floors were coated in a fresh layer of wax, and the walls were freshly scrubbed.

            I stood in the middle of the empty halls, stopped at a single red rose petal atop a small yellow index card. Hesitating to pick it up, I reached my fingers out and grasped the paper tightly. I looked around, wondering who could have put this note down. Refocusing, I read the note in my head...

            "Go to room 179. Do not stop for any reason. Once inside, find what's missing."

As the wonder inside of me flurried around, there was an inkling of curiosity stirring as well. Why would the janitorial staff leave behind one rose and note card? They had to be behind this, right? And who was this meant for? Was I the first to come upon this?

Suddenly, a sound erupted from the direction of the science room. It was the Four Seasons by Vivaldi. A strange selection, but something I was raised listening to. Deciding to follow the direction left on the note card, I strode toward the music, taking my time. I hope for a small stir of music, but nothing came.

            175. 176. 177. 178. I stopped right in front of room 179, and swallowed the lump building in my throat. The door was closed, like all the others, yet the music still played. This must be a prank, I thought. Reluctantly, my palm stretched out and attached itself to the doorknob. With a single twist, the door flew open, and the music screeched to a halt.

            The room looked the same as always. "Find what's missing," the note had said. I quickly scanned the room until my eyes locked on a test tube rack. There was one missing. Most people wouldn’t have noticed, but I guess I notice things that others don’t bother to look at. I shuffled over to the supply closet where the extra tubes were stored at night. And as I suspected, there was another index card covered by two red rose petals.

            "Nice eye! Now room 206. Do not stop. Find the instrument that does not belong."

            Thinking for a second, a wave of fear washed over me. What if this was some kind of prank? What if I was heading right into a trap?

            I took a quick glance to my left, then right, and behind me. Nothing still. Oh who was I kidding? I was alone, and I was going to finish this.

            I arrived at room 206 two minutes later and figured out that in the percussion section there was a flute, along with a full long-stem red rose, and another note.

            “You made it to the final note card. To finish this journey, head to the school library, find the history section, and collect your prize.”

            I took the fastest route I could to the library and opened the double doors. The room inside was dark, but candles lined the walls and filled the desk. A pungent smell of roses approached me. And as I looked down, there was a small path of red rose petals that led to a section in the library. The history section of course. A smile spread to my face as I followed the path that lay ahead of me, avoiding stepping on the petals to keep them beautiful. Whoever this was, they did a great job.

            When I got to the history section, there was nothing there but a blue patterned blanket spread on the floor. And what else was there? A notecard sat atop an old book, a single white rose next to it. I pulled it off and read it aloud.

            “Two souls with but a single thought, two hearts beat as one.”

            Suddenly, two strong arms came from behind me and covered my eyes. I pivoted around to see Andrew laughing lightly and smiling.

            “Guess who, “ He spoke gently.

            “This was all you?” I questioned biting my lip.

            “Of course, and it’s all for you, beautiful.”

            Just then, he turned me around and slowly walked me back to the wall. Putting his arms directly above my shoulders, I was pinned there. That was when I noticed we were placed beneath a single bloom of mistletoe. 
            His right hand grazed my cheek, tucking a single strand of my blonde hair behind my ear. He smelled of lavender and mint, a smell I had grown familiar too. Getting closer, his lips reached out to mine until they met in harmony, as his arms slid to my middle back and pulled me close to him. The space between us was scarce, and I was perfectly fine with that.

            Breaking for a moment, he breathed, "Merry Christmas baby girl. I love you."

            In response, I took his left hand in mine and squeezed it tight. "I love you too." I released his hands and pulled myself even closer to his body, until the space between us had vanished. His lips met mine again, as we breathed as one. His right hand started to caress the small of my back, and I squirmed. Reflex.

            In this minute, I was completely happy. It was a feeling that nothing could match. In this moment, nothing could compare to the way I was feeling. This was complete happiness. This was true love.

           

Replace Fear of the Unknown with Curiosity

"Life is like photography. You use the negatives to develop." You may be wondering what the title of this entry and the quote have to do with each other, but they are more alike then you think. Recently, I have discovered a passion in photography. I mean, I've always thought a camera could have special powers because you can see things in an all new perspective, but I never really relized how much I enjoy being behind the camera. In order to really understand photography, you need to let your curiosity take command. There is no room for fear. I personally feel that when I'm behind a camera, I am scared of nothing. Maybe this is all "jumping the gun," but I truly feel I should explore this further and let my mind soak into the idea. Maybe I'll find my perfect future career, or maybe I'll just find a new hobby. Only time will tell. So, I added a couple of photos I have taken myself to my blog. Maybe they are good, definately not professional...but I hope they have potential to be great!

Besties Are We

*Lately, my best friend has been going through a rough patch of life. I know that she is aware that I am there for her, but I also want her to be able to smile knowing how much she means to me. I know life may seem like its crumbling right now, but I am always here to pick you up, dust you off, and make you new again. So this entry is for you girly. Love you with all my heart!*


You and I are friends,
We are sisters till the end,
And always I will know,
In you, I can depend.


Ever since we first met,
We've been by each other's side,
And when I need someone to trust,
In know that in you, I can confide.


When we aren't together,
We're missing pieces and parts,
But as we live our own lives,
We are never far from each other's heart.


I've always wanted a friend to love,
And suddenly I found you,
No matter what happens,
I'll remember what we've been through.


No matter what we say,
No matter what we do,
I'll always want you as a friend,
For as a sister I love you.


I know we'll always be best buds,
For we cannot be without the other,
We are like a puzzle piece,
Who will always need each other.


No distance is too far,
No world too wide,
For however long you go,
I'll always be by your side.


I hope we'll grow old as friends,

And never meet an end.

I Dance Because I Am A Dancer

"The dance is a poem of which each movement is a word." I guess I owe anyone who actually listens to my words an update on the whole quitting dance post that I wrote about a couple of weeks ago. First of all, I mentioned that I bottle things up, and then they explode in random outbursts. That is exactly what happened. I was under so much pressure that I couldn't take it. My life was near a breaking point, and it just came out when I hit the final straw. If you've ever met me, I don't look like your typical dancer. But then again, nothing is typical about me. I fit so many stereo types that you'd have a million assumptions about me, until you spent ten minutes with me. But anyway, I dance because it is who I am. Stereo type me all you want, but I am a good dancer, and I couldn't imagine a day of my life without dancing. It is what I do. Some people play sports, others act, some sing, but I dance. And I'd like to think I am a fairly good painter, and an aspiring writer, but I guess I'll just stick with dancing first. I know I am good at that. And in the other entry, I mentioned that just being on stage gave me satisfaction. Well, that was an understatement...Nothing in world gives that same feeling that I feel when I am on that stage, performing a piece of poetry in motion. It is what keeps me going everyday. I know that there are always people out there judging me, but at that point in time, I could care less. I graze across that stage with confidence and fun. It's what I love to do and hope to do for a long time. And everytime I dance, I grow right before anyone's very eyes. Why would I want to end all this?

Falling Slowly

"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, then it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was, and it wasn't meant to be." I guess the main point of this entry is just to let some bottled things out. The whole idea of my blog is to let things out when I need to, because I have habit of holding things in until I explode. So, I will not explode anytime soon. Sorry to anyone who may be disappointed. ;) Basically what's on my mind is the fact that I feel the absence of someone all around me. I don't really feel heart broken or anything, it's just that I feel like my life slowed down a little bit. It just seems like everything is in slow motion, and I'm basically watching my life halt. The homework load is still sufficiently keeping me busy and I feel like I'm crazy, but I don't mind it. And my family is still up and down and everywhere in the middle. My friendships are progressing and moving forward. I guess I'm letting this take a bigger toll on me than I planned it would. Maybe I am just crazy, but who knows. But on a plus side, my grades are soaring to an all time high and that feels great. Maybe this loss is just something that is distracting my thoughts when they aren't focussed on work. I guess only time will tell.

It's Over...?

"Sometimes its lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead..." Well I started this entry last week and had no idea how to use it, but now is the time. In a couple of entries, I have mentioned a special someone in my life. And that person was a big part of my life for almost five months...but recently it went sour. And I'd be lying to say it didn't hurt at all, but I'd also be lying if I said that it hurt worse than anything i've ever felt. It feels more like the loss of a friend, rather than a significant other, and I don't know why. I mean, I guess I do know why...being in love solely with someone's personality is amazing, but cannot be the basis of a relationship. And seeing the person would be great as well, but it was fun while it lasted. Also, I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason, but that doesn't mean I understand it, but I can learn from it. I guess I just don't understand what exactly happened between us because it happened so fast and was so confusing. But it's time for me to move on. It was my first sort of serious relationship, if you think of it that way. My friends think I can do better. But to be honest...I don't see that happening anyday soon. 

In Between

            I wrote this about a year ago, but it still has a big place in my heart. It's actually an excerpt from a 15 chapter story I've been on and off over the summers. Let me know your thoughts/ comments please!


          The Sunshine Room was a room that was specially designed and named after me! Mommy said that I would always be the sunshine of her life, and so she gave me a room to remind me. The room was painted burnt-lemon and had not a single bit of wall space that was unoccupied. Exquisite window paneling filled all but the corners of the room. Hello, SUNSHINE Room. On one wall, a small painting barely hung on by a thread. The painting was my first drawing of my family. I was two years old. Mommy said it was her greatest treasure besides Daddy and me.

          I turned to the bookshelf and looked for Sleeping Beauty, my favoritest story in the whole wide world. I reached my porcelain hand out and grabbed it. Yanking it only halfway, the bookshelf slid out and a dark room was unveiled. It was my secret room.

          My secret room was one of my favorite rooms in the entire house. I found it one day when Mommy told me she’d read me Sleeping Beauty. I got the book and right before our eyes, the bookshelf moved. How neat! Since then, it was Mommy and my secret place.

          I climbed into the small room and groped for my little lamp. Turning on the bright florescent, I situated myself on my pillow. Wanting to close the door, I reached for the button but then turned away. Mommy told me to never close that door, so I pulled away.

          I drew out my secret coloring book and a fresh crayon and started to unconsciously color the mermaid that lay in front of me. My eyes followed the crayon through every black line that it passed by, when something smelled icky. It almost smelled burnt.

          Turning my head to look out the passageway, all I saw was fog. A strong aroma filled up my senses. The smell churned my senses around and I tried to hold on to my thoughts as I struggled, swaying in and out of consciousness.

Let the Past...Be the Past

"Don't let the sadness of your past and the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present." For any of you out there taking the time to read what I write, you should know that I have unforgettable past, and I have a very hard time trying to forget it. It seems that my past stays with me everywhere I go, because no matter what I do...it comes back. I always feel like I'm running from my past, full speed ahead, but can never seem to finish the race first. Anytime I am happy, contempt, or even slightly satisfied...its right behind me. You may be wondering what was so bad in my past that everyday I try to hold it back for just a little bit...well, I'm not gonna tell you for two reasons. One...I don't want to relive the horrible times. Two...I don't want to risk depressing any readers. In short, I was bullied. You're probably thinking that...oh. It's not a big deal, because everyone was bullied, but I was bullied by even some of the people I thought were there for me. I was the butt of a lot of jokes and it was awful. But not all things are bad...I met the most amazing person ever...my best friend and she's been where I've been and understands. That's why we are so close. But bottom line...my past is just simply that...the past. And I hope it will just stay like that for the sake of my sanity.

Without You

I wrote this poem about a year ago and never really appreciated it. I guess I never really think my work is good until I look back at it and go...Wow! Maybe these words will mean something else to someone else. But don't get the idea that I'm an enraged ex. This person was merely a fantasy, but its true. Every feeling in it holds truth in it. And it's not supposed to rhyme. Please leave a comment if you like it.
I wish I could tell you that you meant nothing to me.

And assure you I was already broken before I met you.

That I never expected you to love me.

And if you have to move on I understand.

                        BUT…

I have to be honest with you.

I’ve never loved someone so much.

And everyday I cry when I remember.

That it was all over before I could say how I felt.

Who Am I Without Dance?

"Should I stay or should I go?" Have you ever heard the saying...if you love something so much, let it go? I know this quote is normally used when talking about a person, but in my life, besides my family, my biggest love is and always will be dance. I love the way you can graze across a stage, making majestic movements and creating a story. I love the feeling you get when you're about to go on stage. You hear the clapping of the audience on the other side, and it just gives you a shot of adrenaline. It's the best feeling in the world. I love the feeling you get when your dance is over, and you're smiling, letting all your hardwork lay out on the table, knowing somebody, somewhere will be cheering your name. For the longest time, these feelings are what truly keep me going. They fuel who I am today. They help me to escape into a new world when I need time to myself. Anytime I feel pressure, stress, sadness, hurt, or anything...I dance. I am a dancer and will always be. But lately, I feel that dance is becoming more of a stressor than a stress-reliever. But only the classes. In the classes, they expect perfect, and when you need a little extra help...you're the girl that didn't get it the first time. That feeling is awful. I mean...tonight, for the first time, I had a complete breakdown about my dancing. I had asked my teacher for extra help on a step, and she kept telling me that I should've paid attention when she demonstrated...which I did...and I felt awful. I felt like she thought I was stupid and not trying at all. So, I caught up with her after class, and she had to stop the tears from pouring down. She told me she was proud. And that made all the difference; however, it seems like I am not getting better, and I'm not at the same level as the other girls my age...and that's not a good thing. Dance is becoming something that doesn't make me feel better, but keeps me the same. And I don't know what to. I am considering dropping classes after the winter recital, but who am I without dance? Maybe someone out there knows...but I personally don't.

My Heart Knows the Way

"'What' and ‘if’ two words as nonthreatening as words come. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: ‘What if?'..." These are words of Amanda Seyfried, in Letters to Juliet. Yes, someone great did write them, but they hold so much truth to all the world. We go through life everyday wondering "what if..." and deciding whether or not we made the right choice. Do you ever really know what the right choice is? A lot of people make decisions based on what their brain says, and those are the people that are practical. Those are also the people that I truly believe have the biggest regrets of all. I choose to live according to my heart. Yes, I have made mistakes, and yes I ask myself "what if..." more than I want to, and yes I have regrets. But looking at my past, I truly feel every mistake I made, every regret I had, and every "what if..." that crossed my mind has only been for the better. I am a better person because of it, and my life has changed because of it. But I often wonder if I ever truly make the right decision. But I guess I'll never know. My heart leads the way, and I am definitely prepared to follow it. Maybe it will lead me through the hardships of life, maybe it will lead me through a life-time decision...but for now...it will lead me through everyday decisions, that will have the biggest effect on my life. But I will follow it. No matter what.

Forbidden...Always the Best Kind of Love

This is something that I've kept quiet about for a long time. A story idea I had; however, I guess I thought it was too much like Twilight.    


           I just stood there, all frozen up just like a statue as he inched closer step by step. I adjusted my eyes on the floor, avoiding his puppy dog stare that melted me in an instant. I could hear his breath reach out to me, and I contemplated looking up at him, but if I tried it, I knew I'd be hooked into his eyes and I'd be lost in swirls of milky blue satin.

            His arms slowly made their way to my hips, locking my silhouette against him. His cool hands tilted my chin towards him, and I tried to keep my eyes glued to the sight of the gravel-like cement floor.

            After two minutes of peace, his words broke through the barrier of silence.

            "Why do you avoid me?" His words stung.

            "I didn't avoid you. I needed time to think things through." I let out quickly.

            "Think what through exactly?" I quickly glanced at his eyes.

            "You and I, it just doesn't make sense. You are not human and you could kill me at any second."

            "You know I can't hurt you."

            "You can, you may not want to, but it has been controlling you for over four hundred years. You can't stop it. The Need is too great, and eventually, it will overpower you."

            I started to tug away from him, moving as quickly as possible, preparing to run away, as he pulled me closer to him and smiled. Immediately, those eyes pierced into my soul and he held me up, for I was floating on a cotton cloud.

            After about ten minutes of just getting lost in his eyes, I came back to reality. Placing my feet back on the ground, his arms pulled me in even closer to where I could smell the cinnamon in his mouth. My lips tingled.

            “How can you say you will never kill me?” I inquired. “What proof do you have?”

            He looked up as if considering something before placing his eyes back on me. “I don’t have any proof…except for the love in my heart.” He kept a serious gaze.

            “Do people like you even have a heart? Not to be rude, but do you?” I babbled.

            “You tell me.” He placed my hand on his heart, and I listened to the fast beat pumping. He tilted my chin back up once more, and I melted. His lips grazed the top of my forehead and planted a kiss there. Next, he kissed my cheek. And then all at once I was floating. He kissed my lips sincerely, and I knew with certainty that this was love.